It was just after the bingo in club-land
The comedian was dying the death
The audience in droves where departing
Leaving only the lame and the deaf
On stage stood the lonely comedian
A microphone stuck in his paw
As down through the gaps in the audience
He could see more and more of the floor
Suddenly despair overtook him
As he gazed at the vanishing throng
Night after night it was like this
Could it be that something was wrong?
His suit was the best he could purchase
His shirt and his tie were a treat
How could it be they disliked him
With comments I dare not repeat
Why had he become a comedian?
To suffer this miserable fate
Was it just deluded ambition
Or his mother who swore he was great?
He’d smiled when peppered beer mats
He’d grinned when they’d cried, ”Get them off!”
But now - the final humiliation
They weren’t even stopping to scoff!
“Stop!” cried a voice from within him - “Stop and listen awhile
One minute I crave of your patience
Though maybe I’ve not made you smile
I’ve tried like the troopers before me
Our reward just a little applause
For me it’s never been easy
Oh yes -I’ve been through the wars
Booed off in Birtley – Pelted in Pelton – ferret down the trousers in Ferryhill
Well I’m finished – I’ve had it – I’m done for
You proved that for certain tonight
The minute that meat pie – and mushy peas [slightly over cooked but tasty] - connected
Suddenly – as they say – there was light
Go off to the lounge get a skinful
Buy a few more to take out
Go home – feed your faces – forget about me
I’m not even worth bothering about
The wife and the kids? Don’t worry about them
They’ll get by with nothing to eat
Why should you worry if they got to bed hungry?
Or have no little shoes on their feet.
This is my living – entertaining
The audience is blood in my veins
Without you there’s no reason for living
On your laughter my future waxes or wanes”
The room was all silent and tearful
Then - punctuated by 50 a day cough
The concert chairman leaned forward all tearful
And said, “Right son - you’re paid off!”
With only half fee in his pocket
Stood the comedian - in the car park - alone
His career behind him in ruins
As he mounted his bike to ride home
Half crazed by depression and failure
Ashamed that he’s caused such a fuss
He swept from the scene of his heartache
Straight under the “23” bus
As he lay there in the glare of the headlights
The rain was beginning to fall
He said, “Thank you for being a wonderful audience
Goodnight and God bless one and all!”
