Tune: Johnny’s So Long at the Fair-ish
Spoken:
There’s many a crime from the sewers of slime
Defining a man’s inhumanity
But one above others stands aal by itsel’
In annals of deviant depravity
As honest folk sleep - in deed of the night
The owl on patrol starkly shrieks
There’s a man in a hood - wee’s up t’ nee gud
He’s the dorty damned slasher of leeks
Ah’ll tell yer a tale that’ll mak yer bairns wail
One neet one the news Ah saw flashed
Ah dropped me Beano - forget Tarantino -
“The leeks doon the cluuuurb had been slashed”
The club waas jam-packed and the leeks was aal racked
So how could it be the leeks were attacked?
They lay on the floor - they were murdered and hacked
A crime that dare not speak its name
Chorus:
Oh dear! Death at the leek show
Oh dear! Death at the leek show
Oh dear! Death at the leek show
Murder and mayhem most foul!
They caaled Perry Mason - they caaled Columbo
They caaled Sherlock Holmes – he waas a dumbo
And that Hercule Poirot taaks mumbo jumbo
An’ fiddles aroond wi’ his tash
Down from Winlaton came Tom Torquemada
There wasn’t a man whee could have tried harder
Then somebody pinched his aad Ford Grenada
So he went off yame in a huff
The finger waas pointed at Billy near Hexham
His wife was from Byker but he was from Wrexham
He sang like Tom Jones and did nowt but vex them
For they were as jealous as sin
Chorus
The crime was then solved - by Billy MacDougall
Her couldn’t play darts - but he could search Google
He fund a tale in the ‘Waak Daily Bugle’
Concerning a leek slashing whippet
Leek slashin’ dawgs are the curse of our nation
Ah’ve seen them deal drugs on Newcastle Station
A cuff round the lugs and two weeks probation
Is nee way t’ deal wi’ that crime!
Aal of the coppers waas tetchy and manic
Fear stalked the cobbles from Amble t’ Alnwick
There was less panic onboard the Titanic
Than them looking roond for that hoond
The whippet waas captured at Newcastle Airport
The shape of his heid the reason he waas caught
The minute the checker looked down at the passport
He’d pinched off a Bedlington terrier
Reward for the capture of dorty leek rippers
Mair often than not is two Craster kippers
But this time they hoyed in a pair of new slippers
Washed up on the Newbiggin beach
The trial was attested at Gateshead Assizes
A toon that sells stotties in ten different sizes
They’re all canny folks - they’ve hung aal the misers
The ones with short arms and laang pockets
For all of those leeks that were murdered and slaughtered
Yer’d think that this dawg would be hung drawn and quartered
But that Gateshead Judge waas far too soft hearted
He freed him and then stroked his heid
The leek-slashing whippet might hev been shameless
But Ah’ll tell yer what! He’s nee ignoramus
He went down t’ Crufts - became rich and famous
And bowt a big kennel in Wark
He hez his own butler t’ pick up his poop
His fayce was aal ower on tins of leek soup
On Jools Holland’s show he sang wi’ a group
And this is the song that he sang:.
Chorus:
Oh dear! Death at the leek show
Oh dear! Death at the leek show
Oh dear! Death at the leek show
Murder and mayhem most foul!
The crime was then solved - by Billy MacDougall
Her couldn’t play darts - but he could search Google
He fund a tale in the ‘Waak Daily Bugle’
Concerning a leek slashing whippet
Leek slashin’ dawgs are the curse of our nation
Ah’ve seen them deal drugs on Newcastle Station
A cuff round the lugs and two weeks probation
Is nee way t’ deal wi’ that crime!
Aal of the coppers waas tetchy and manic
Fear stalked the cobbles from Amble t’ Alnwick
There was less panic onboard the Titanic
Than them looking roond for that hoond
The whippet waas captured at Newcastle Airport
The shape of his heid the reason he waas caught
The minute the checker looked down at the passport
He’d pinched off a Bedlington terrier
Reward for the capture of dorty leek rippers
Mair often than not is two Craster kippers
But this time they hoyed in a pair of new slippers
Washed up on the Newbiggin beach
The trial was attested at Gateshead Assizes
A toon that sells stotties in ten different sizes
They’re all canny folks - they’ve hung aal the misers
The ones with short arms and laang pockets
For all of those leeks that were murdered and slaughtered
Yer’d think that this dawg would be hung drawn and quartered
But that Gateshead Judge waas far too soft hearted
He freed him and then stroked his heid
The leek-slashing whippet might hev been shameless
But Ah’ll tell yer what! He’s nee ignoramus
He went down t’ Crufts - became rich and famous
And bowt a big kennel in Wark
He hez his own butler t’ pick up his poop
His fayce was aal ower on tins of leek soup
On Jools Holland’s show he sang wi’ a group
And this is the song that he sang:…………….Chorus:
